Mr. Independent

It's hard being 3. 3 is full of contradictions. You are mobile, but you are limited. You feel like you could fly high, but you are actually short. You are intelligent, but logic is confusing.

You are independent, but so very dependent... all at the same time.

Xavier, however, is hitting full on independence.

a week ago, Xavier didn't want help getting his sweater on. He figured out, with much frustration, how to put it on but then demanded that I start the zipper for him.

Yesterday, he made the decision about which restaurant we were going to dine at for dinner.

It's been about 3 weeks since he's willingly given me a hug and kiss goodbye when I drop him off at school in the morning. (cuellito sure, but no besos) All of these rapid changes are hard for me to accept. However, with it comes a new side to him that I didn't know existed.

Today, at the grocery store, Xavier heard the music playing and started dancing... I mean full on let's slide across the floor and groove. I think he would have tried to start breakdancing near the canned goods if I hadn't given him a funny look. The song was "Freak Out" and Xavier had the full on pointed fingers, footwork, etc. More than one of the other shoppers gave him the "oh my goooosh you are so adorable" face.

Now that he has his own room, he's showing all sorts of little trends. For example, he's all about letters. He's really paying attention to letters and starting to spell. (This will be easier once he's more confident in his letter sound recognition...) He practices writing his name on every piece of paper that colors on. He's also recently learned how to spell our last name... a feat not to be diminished considering most adults still look at me funny when I remind them there are two "h"s.

Today, he ran home from the corner of 53rd. I had to beg him and squeeze his hand to hold onto it as we crossed the street. Once we were at the corner, he bolted. Much to the bemusement of the other pedestrians.




We've done things the same way for so long, that it's hard to keep him back. I knew this was coming... I just didn't know it would be here so soon.

Times are Changing

Xavier has always been my little boy. He's been sleeping in my bed since he was about ... 2 days old. It started as him needing to sleep with me because I was too exhausted and sleep deprived from a hard labor and nursing all night. It continued because it was comforting. It continued because we spent so much time away from each other during his first two years, while I finished my education, that every moment together was precious. It continued because once we were finally together all the time, we shared a room. It continued because holding him close and listening to him breathe was the only thing that made me sleep when insomnia reared its ugly head. It continued because when he's cuddled next to me, he's still my little boy. He won't be little forever, and I have to savor these moments while they are still here.

Xavier is growing up. This weekend he will have his own room while living with me for the first time. We aren't moving to a new place, one of my roommates is. Once she returns to her home country, Xavier will have her room. It will be a big transition - more for me than for him.

Each day I notice more and more things that mark him a little boy rather than a small baby. Everywhere we go, he wants to be at the front of our two person line. He looks longingly at toys that are meant for 7 year olds. He even has developed patience - or a sense of delayed gratification. When we went to the teacher store, I was simply hoping he wouldn't touch everything in sight. He surprised me when he said, "Mommy, when you're done buying things, I'll play the fishing game, and then we can go bye-bye." He didn't really touch anything else, because he just wanted to play the game.

Yet, in other ways, he still is a baby. He still cuddles with me each Saturday and Sunday morning. He still sucks his thumb and plays with his belly button when he's upset or tired. At least I know he's still mine when he does that.

So, today, Xavier came out of bed and joined me on the couch. He cuddled next to me as I was writing. 5 minutes later, he stopped cuddling with me, found his coloring book, and is coloring Batman. While I'm working, so is he. Two months ago, he had no clue who Batman was, now I can't go anywhere without hearing about Batman, Spiderman or Ironman.

I've always wanted Xavier to grow up healthy and be happy with who he is. Yet, I suppose my worst fear is that one day, I'll wake up and I won't recognize the person he's become. I'll still be looking for my little baby when he's actually a man. He's changing so much that it's possible.