Times are Changing

Xavier has always been my little boy. He's been sleeping in my bed since he was about ... 2 days old. It started as him needing to sleep with me because I was too exhausted and sleep deprived from a hard labor and nursing all night. It continued because it was comforting. It continued because we spent so much time away from each other during his first two years, while I finished my education, that every moment together was precious. It continued because once we were finally together all the time, we shared a room. It continued because holding him close and listening to him breathe was the only thing that made me sleep when insomnia reared its ugly head. It continued because when he's cuddled next to me, he's still my little boy. He won't be little forever, and I have to savor these moments while they are still here.

Xavier is growing up. This weekend he will have his own room while living with me for the first time. We aren't moving to a new place, one of my roommates is. Once she returns to her home country, Xavier will have her room. It will be a big transition - more for me than for him.

Each day I notice more and more things that mark him a little boy rather than a small baby. Everywhere we go, he wants to be at the front of our two person line. He looks longingly at toys that are meant for 7 year olds. He even has developed patience - or a sense of delayed gratification. When we went to the teacher store, I was simply hoping he wouldn't touch everything in sight. He surprised me when he said, "Mommy, when you're done buying things, I'll play the fishing game, and then we can go bye-bye." He didn't really touch anything else, because he just wanted to play the game.

Yet, in other ways, he still is a baby. He still cuddles with me each Saturday and Sunday morning. He still sucks his thumb and plays with his belly button when he's upset or tired. At least I know he's still mine when he does that.

So, today, Xavier came out of bed and joined me on the couch. He cuddled next to me as I was writing. 5 minutes later, he stopped cuddling with me, found his coloring book, and is coloring Batman. While I'm working, so is he. Two months ago, he had no clue who Batman was, now I can't go anywhere without hearing about Batman, Spiderman or Ironman.

I've always wanted Xavier to grow up healthy and be happy with who he is. Yet, I suppose my worst fear is that one day, I'll wake up and I won't recognize the person he's become. I'll still be looking for my little baby when he's actually a man. He's changing so much that it's possible.