Stoplights...

I feel like Xavier and I spend a great deal of time in the car. Whether we're on our way to the chiropractor, the grocery store, or even to get the oil changed, we end up living our lives in the car. I would like to think that it's not time wasted, and I do try to have entertainment in the car for Xavier that is productive.

So, during our latest trip to the chiropractor, Xavier interrupts the audiobook that is playing and tells me, "if you do that again you're going to be on orange." I think this is in response to him asking for the 14th time to have a piece of candy. His school (daycare) has just implemented the stoplight behavior chart. (green = all is well; yellow and orange are warnings and red is time out) In school, I would have never been on anything but green, and here is my darling son telling me that I'm really one step away from a time out. It was surreal. It also made me wonder - if Xavier gave me a grade as a parent, would I get all As? Or, would I not deserve that? Have I been doing a thorough enough job to even get one A? And, who is grading me? Society? Xavier? Other parents? his teachers?

What is it that makes a parent good and more importantly, how do I become that for Xavier? I'm the only parent he has, so I have to be there for him - through it all. That thought sends shivers down my spine. It's not only an incredible responsibility, but also the reason that I get up in the morning. I don't share him. He's mine. What good things he has gained in life, have come from me. I smile slightly and feel my breath catch and linger on this realization. It's then that the audiobook announces "END OF DISC 10", and I'm jolted back from deep parental consciousness.

My full intention is to move to disc 11. However in the process, we catch the Spanish pop station which is playing one of Xavier's favorite songs. (Who knew 3 year olds could like Enrique Iglesias and sound deliriously cute singing it?) We both sing. I'm sure the people who saw us dancing and singing in the car at the stoplights just thought we were crazy or weird. Yet, it's only when I let my guard down and experience life with Xavier that I realize what being a parent to him is about.

Five years from now, he's not going to remember the audiobooks or who was playing on the radio. He's going to remember that we were together and that it was fun. I want so desperately to do everything right for him, but I'm coming to the realization that it's not about the obsessive planning of playdates or organic menus... It's about making life and love palpable.

In As Good As It Gets Jack Nicholson's character says that line: "You make me want to be a better man". I've been thinking about it lately, I would say, "You make me a better [wo]man". Even if I'm on orange.